Parody of the Opera
by Amorai
Summary: It all started when Mr. Borgin from Harry Potter showed up in the wrong story universe. Then Koko the gorilla's ancestor appeared and it just got worse. Rated T for language. NEWLY UPDATED!
1. Follow the Black & White Road

**Author's blurb: I updated this parody (****inspired by "The Phantom of the Opera in 15 Minutes" written by Cleolinda on Livejournal) ****during the summer********.** The story remains unchanged, just edited some and enhanced with new snarkiness! Have fun and enjoy. Reviews are appreciated!

Chapter One: Follow the Black/White Road

(Some black and white auction scene. Opera Populaire is a dilapidated wreck. Little birds fly around pooping on everyone's heads.)

Auctioneer: Sold! Thanks for your business, Mister. [wipes bird poo off head] Anybody want a Hannibal poster? Yes, thank you. How about a fake gun with some skulls?

Mr. Borgin: I'll take the skulls. They're real, right? I need them for a movie set.

Auctioneer: Ah, yes. For your little sketchy booth set up in Knockturn Alley, eh?

Mr. Borgin: How _dare_ you call my esteemed Dark wizarding shop a sket—

Auctioneer: Well, just pay up, how about it? I have a wife and three kids I need to feed. Moving on…

Madame Giry: Admit it, my hat's pretty awesome. Hello, Beautiful Stranger in the Wheelchair. OH! You're the Vicomte de Chagny! So you survived the Phantom's Lair from all those years ago, didn't you?

Raoul: Who the hell are you?...yes, yes, I did. Hi. What's up?

Madame Giry: Not much, Vicomte. Just listening to this old guy blabber on about old theater items. Shh, I wanna listen….

Auctioneer: Next up, the sculpted ancestor of the ASL-signing gorilla Koko. Look, he can play the cymbals!

Crowd: Oh joy.

Auctioneer: So who wants this?

Raoul: Can I have it?

Madame Giry: NO! Give it to me! Don't listen to him!

Raoul: [to auctioneer] I can give you the names of some spectacular barbers if you give it to me, I really do enjoy that mustache of yours….

Auctioneer: To the Vicomte de Chagny, free of charge! *bangs gavel*

Raoul: YAY! [springs up from chair and performs a dance reminiscent of "I've Got A Golden Ticket"]

Madame Giry: Mr. Vicomte, you're unfair! *cries *

Raoul: [Sits back down in wheelchair] Please, Madame…just shut up.

Auctioneer: Moving on! Our next item is a chandelier. _THE_ CHANDELIER. A Swarovsky creation smushed to pieces by the Phantom of the Opera 30-plus years ago. *cough* They say it's haunted *cough*. Very light, compact and portable. With light bulbs still in their infancy, there's a _slight_ chance of electrocution. No returns or refunds for this baby. Up for grabs! Any takers?

[Assistants whisk off the fabric covering the chandelier. Chandelier comes to life and starts rising back to the ceiling of its own accord. Theater patches itself back up. It must be haunted too. Somewhere in the opera house, a cue is given and a well-paid musician plays some very loud chromatic scales on the organ. Big, evil, Judgment-Day-has-come music.]

Chandelier: GUZZT!

Crowd: OMFG what's happening?!

Auctioneer: Do not panic! It's just like The Wizard of Oz!

Mr. Borgin: The Wizard of WHAT?

Flying birds: Oh, crap.

Raoul/Madame Giry: What a wonderful trip down Memory Lane.

[Everyone in the Theater slowly disappears in a whirl of flying dust as the Opera Populaire finishes its transformation and smiles at itself. It has successfully anti-aged to 1870.]

Disembodied voice: Umm, I don't think this is Munchkinland.


	2. The Talents of a Stripper in Training

Chapter Two: The Secret Talents of a Stripper-in-Training

Raoul: Hurry up, my little ponies! Faster!

Carlotta: *sings, or rather screams*

_Now IIIIIIIIIIII will demonstraaatte my inability to-o-o siiiiiiiiiiiing  
About Rome, Athens and alllllllllllllllllllllllllll that jaaazz-ZUH!  
As I screech like a mad banshee  
Your brain cells BUUUUUHHHHH-RN!_

Carlotta's male servant: OMG, flying decapitated heads.

Female Ensemble: *sings*  
_We're not yet looking the same  
In arm movement and motion  
Yes, we know we look quite lame—  
Goodbye to rank promotion!_

Male Ensemble: *sings*  
_This is us trying to sinngg!  
So are we great or just dumb?  
Feel free to throw squishy things,  
If we're flat—PIANGI COOOOMES!_

Piangi: Why, thank you all. Rome should just go die. I want a bath.

Monsieur Lefevre: Oy, everybody! This is Andre and Firmin. I'm leaving y'all to visit The Crocodile Hunter's family. Permanently. Buh-bye.

Monsieur Reyer: WHAT?! You can't—

Firmin: Monsieur le Vicomte, come forth!

Christine: Oh, my God, my long-lost love! ...He got a haircut!

Meg: Huh? Are you saying his hair was—

Christine: Even longer, yes, when we were little fiancés together. His hair reached down to his back, the sweet thing! *drool*

Meg: Umm… Okay, then.

Raoul: Hi, all. Nice to meet you. Leaving now.

Christine: No! RAOUL, COME BACK!

Sharp-eyed Phans: Wait…why is there an Asian-ish woman following him?

Madame Giry: Monsieur New Owner 1 and Monsieur New Owner 2, get out of the way because it's BALLET TIME WITH SCANTILY-CLAD GIRLS!. Meet my daughter, Meg. And my stripper-in-training, Christine Daaé.

Andre: *whispers* Hey, do you think can we book her for tonight?

Madame Giry: The hell no. She's full until next Friday.

Andre: Ah. Okay, then.

Full Ensemble: HANNIBAL'S COMING!

Carlotta: *dress rips* Why does everything happen to meee?!

Piangi: My hat! My hat! Where is my hat?

Andre: Teehee youguyssucksobad.

Full Ensemble: *sings*  
_Hark to our fictitious drums,  
Piangi COOOOOOOOMMES!  
And we still SUUUUUUUUCKKK!_ *song ends*

Carlotta: You guys are a nightmare. I'm leaving. Gimme my poodle!

Andre/Firmin: Please, no! You're a stunning goddess who created all of opera and we worship your iridescent beauty from your rainbow-infused hair to your luminescent feet and your poodles as well. Please indulge our most unworthy ears for a moment with your exquisite God-graced voice that makes men cry. And we'll fix your ripped dress afterwards as well.

Carlotta: Okay, FINE! *sings*  
_Think of me, think how I hated y'all  
Each and every day!  
Remember how I yelled at all'yah  
Till you almost cried!  
When you find you want to give me  
A splendid kicking in the a—_

Erik: This backdrop kicks your ass on behalf of the entire Opera Populaire! BWAHAHAAAA!

Actors: THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY IS FALLING! RUN FOR COVERRR!

Madame Giry: Oh, no worries, guys. It's just my childhood acquaintance.

Meg: Mom?!

Carlotta: Get your head checked, Giry. I am LEAVING! Send my pension to the Bahamas for me.

Firmin: Fuck life! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck….

Madame Giry: Christine, you're going to audition on the spot for Carlotta's place. Go on. *pushes Christine*

Christine: Ugh, do I _have to_?

Madame Giry: *In an undertone*I'll give you candy later.

Christine: Ooh, yay!

[Christine blasts everyone's underwear off with her incredible voice. And does a little Disney-Cinderella move into an awesome sparkly white gown borrowed from Empress Sisi.]

Christine: *sings*  
_Dad, I'll think of you forever,  
And my Angel tooooooo!_

[Camera zooms in through a miniscule crack in lower floor]

Erik: Aww, how sweet, honey. Thank you.

Raoul: Isn't that the same girl who once tried to shave my hair off in my sleep when I was eight? HI, SWEETIE! AWESOME JOB!

Christine: *Sings*  
_Some UNneCESSarY vocAL aCRO-ba-A-a-ticS, then a  
Two-octave JAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMP,  
FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINN!_

Audience: Touching! Splendid! Three YES's from all of us! You're going on to the next round of FRANCE'S GOT TALENT!

Christine: Yay, free flowers!...hey, did Susan Boyle get flowers too?

* * *

Carlotta: So, maid. How was the little dolt?

Maid: Amazing, miss!

Carlotta: Good grief! *faints*

Piangi: Not again…


	3. Fame and Fortune Live in the Basement

Chapter Three: Fame and Fortune Live in the Basement

Meg: Christine, jeez, there you are! Where the heck have you been?

Christine: Right here, daydreaming about my beloved Angel of Music. He's the one that taught me to sing, you know.

Meg: *raises an eyebrow* Um, angels don't exist, but whatever. Let's get you out of here. You need a healthy dose of publicity and insane screaming fans in order to maintain your mental health.

Christine: You mean like Robert Pattinson from that vampyre moving picture?

Meg: Sure. *leads her out of the chapel*

* * *

Madame Giry: Good job tonight, dear. Also, this rose is yours.

Christine: So this makes how many from my secret admirer?

Madame Giry: *cough* Around thirteen now. *leaves*

* * *

Andre: (To Raoul) Quite lovely, wasn't she? How about we introduce her to you?

Raoul: We'd rather be alone. Thanks for the flowers.

Firmin: Whatever are they planning to do in there?

Andre: As will be referenced in "Prima Donna"…sex, my dear man, sex.

* * *

Raoul: *enters* Hello, beautiful! You were astounding out there.

Christine: Oh, no. It was all thanks to my Angel of Music. He actually exists, you know.

Raoul: Aww, Christine, that's _cute_, still believing angels exist. Let's go out on a date tonight.

Christine: No, leave me here. He's going to kidnap me exactly six minutes from now.

[Erik: Shit. She knows!]

Raoul: I'm not leaving you here to be taken away by some old powder-wigged pervert!

Christine: He has the most amazing voice of a rock-god, if only you heard him. I've heard he can headbang, too. How bad can he be, sweetheart?

Raoul: Touché. Have fun tonight. *pecks her on forehead and leaves*

Christine: Huh. That was easier than I expected. Now I'll go behind my dressing screen and change into The Dress with a capital D! You know, the one that's slit all the way up to _there_!

Erik: *outside* Watch me steal her room key!

Madame Giry: You get her, tiger.

* * *

[30 seconds later]

Erik: Christine, this guy is an IDIOT.

Phangirls: WE THINK SO TOO.

Christine: *shrugs sarcastically* I'm _sorry._ It's the hair, isn't it?

Erik/Phangirls: That's just the tip of the iceberg, my dear.

Raoul: Wait, Christine, honey, I forgot my—[realizes it's locked] CHRISTINE! YOU DUMBASS! How did you manage to lock yourself _inside your own dressing room?!_

Erik: Yes, it's the hair! Put some implants in, give him a skirt, and he's a girl! Why on earth would you choose that cross-dressing male Rapunzel over a sexy, sizzling-hot handsome guy like me?

Christine: Good question. Take me to your subterranean underground lair, won't you? Lead on, monsieur!

The Organist (who's getting well paid for this):

**DUUUNNNNNNNN! DUNDUNDUNDUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!**

Phans: _Huagh_ *eargasm*

Christine: I really dig the cape, Angel.

Erik: Why, thank you. I got it off eBay. It was a very good deal, too.

Christine: Hi, horsie!

Erik: His name is César. Watch out, he bites.

Christine: OUCH! Haha. Whoops.

Erik: *rolls eyes* Toldja.

* * *

[Four and a half minutes later]

Erik: How do you like the romantic gondola with the skull glued on top?

Christine: It's very, uhh…..

Erik: Oh, whatever. Let's hurry, I have to pee.

Christine: Oh, jeez. *pulls on raincoat and opens umbrella*

Erik: We have arrived! And now I shall sing my endearing and powerful and seductive love song of night and darkness and lust as I captivate you with my amazingly green eyes!

Christine and the phangirls: OMG *eyes turn to hearts*

Erik: *sings* _WAY DOWN HERE, HON, YOUR SOUL BELONGS TO MEEEEEEEEE!_

…Can I, like, give you the Perverted Creeper look and feel you up a bit?

Christine: Umm, feel free! Whatever you want.

Erik: Okay, I'm done. Now I'll show you my awesome superdetailed doll of you in your wedding dress designed by me!

Christine: OMG TOO MUCH INFORMATION FOR MY DELICATE FEMININE MIND *faints*

Erik: *sigh* Guess I'll have to introduce her to the overly suggestive swan bed a little early….

Phan #1: That's so girlish of him. _Swans?_

Phan #2 (an English major): It's symbolic, silly. Haven't you ever heard of "The Ugly Duckling"?

Erik: Pray be quiet. I like my swans.

Phan #3: We think you're even hotter because you're willing to admit it.

Erik: *blushes*

* * *

Meg: Christine, why the hell do I have to keep looking for you constantly? Oh, look, secret passageway! Wonder where this leads.

Rat: Hello there!

Meg: HOLY CRAP!

Rat: Sorry. I'll go away now.

[Music builds. Madame Giry appears out of nowhere (maybe she's a phantom too) and grabs her daughter's shoulder.]

Madame Giry: [mutters] Bad girl, very bad girl…..

* * *

Joseph Buquet: Being surrounded by fifty girls in nightgowns and revealing dresses is the best thing to happen to me since vodka. Now look, dearies, the Phantom's incredibly dangerous. He's ugly as hell and he loves to hang people.

Girls: HE'S A MASS MURDERER ON THE LOOSE INSIDE OUR HOME!

Poor innocent girl: Yeah, whatever. Excuse me, I have to leave—

Buquet: *grabs her* You ever heard about Edward Cullen, deary? You ever read about his undying thirst for Bella's blood?

Poor innocent girl: I hated the book, but…(get off me) yeah, I did.…..

Buquet: That Edward is NOTHING compared to me and what I'm gonna do to your pretty throat. RAHHHH!

Poor innocent girl: Oh dear. Help!

Madame Giry: Fuck off, the both of you. Buquet, you womanizer, get back to your room.

Buquet: Hmm, my Viagra doesn't seem to work…

Madame Giry: *rolls eyes* Oh, gee, what a shame.


	4. Ice Cream and Hate Mail for All

**Author's blurb: FYI, Ciaran played Firmin, and Simon played Andre. Apparently, wearing corsets all the time, Emmy couldn't eat solid food while in them and so ate a lot of ice cream on the set. Enjoy!**

Chapter Four: Ice Cream and Hate Mail for All

Monkey: Hello. I'm here again. *plays cymbals like there's no tomorrow* Wheeee!

Christine: *wakes up* Mff. Scarlet swan bed. Monkey music box. This is like the start of a bad joke.

*sings*  
_Yes, he said he had to pee  
But we still managed to get there in time  
Thank God my dress is still so clean,  
I guess it helps to be prepared  
Now how on earth do I get __**out**__…..?_

Erik: Why do you disturb me in my work?

Christine: It's your monkey music box's fault. *glides over to him* Oh, my God, Erik, your chin is so smooth. What kind of razor do you use?

Erik: I use my sword, encrusted with the blood of my unworthy enemies. Keeps it sharp, you know.

Christine: That is so awesomely _hardcore!_ Your mask is really freakin' cool as well. Can I see what lies underneath?

Erik: Pardon?

Christine: *pries off mask*

Erik: What the FUCK was that for? You** %%^$#%^%^$$^!**

Christine: I was only practicing for my audition of that Pandora-based opera that's coming up….

Erik: And this is how you rehearse? By ripping off the one single thing that shields my already wounded and highly unstable soul from a world of torment and abuse?

Christine: Uh, that's melodramatic, but yeah, I guess so…Umm, what is THAT on your face?

Erik: …Melted brain matter.

Christine: EWWW!

Erik: I hate myself, I hate myself so much! I'm a horrible crawling thing fit for worms and all I dream of is you!

Christine: Huh?

Erik: I only wanted to be normal and all, instead I'm forced to live underground and I'll have this awful facial deformity for life! WAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Christine: I'm sorry, hon. *pats Erik on the head* Here's your mask back. I'll buy you some ice cream.

Erik: *sniff* Okay.

* * *

Old Raoul: Goodbye, Madame Giry. I'll leave now.*sings* Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road! Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road…..

Old Madame Giry: Poor guy isn't all together anymore. *shrugs and walks away*

* * *

Firmin: I swear, both aspiring and experienced sopranos here are under the Think of Me Curse. A backdrop falls on Carlotta during her rendition and Miss Daaé disappears after her own!

Servant cleaning the floor: Huh?

Firmin: Never you mind! Keep scrubbing the blasted floor! Andre! Where are you? *Grumbling* This Opera Populaire is too damn big…

Andre: OMG WE HAVE NO _CAST_! *voice goes up two octaves on the last word*

Ciarán: You know, Simon, if your voice cracks every time you rehearse that line, why are you still in this production of The Phantom of the Opera?

Simon: Monetary bribes and brownies. Also ice cream for Emmy, those sexy corsets of hers….

Joel Schumacher: CUT! Breaking the fourth wall, Ciarán and Simon! ARGH!

Ciarán: Sorry. Let's try again.

Joel Schumacher: You'd better. And straighten out your pompadour, too. ACTION!

Andre: *reads aloud* "Carlotta cannot sing a note to save her life. Her poodles will not leave me alone. Unless you want the Prima Donna to throw a fit over her drowned collection of live pompoms, give her role to Christine."

Firmin: Mine says "My salary is a week overdue. Therefore, you two are losers. LOOOOOOSERRSS! Send it to me NAUW!"

Raoul: Dude. Does anybody where my future fiancée is and why she would lock herself in her own room?

Firmin: Why do you expect us to know?

Raoul: Because she might have been alone with you guys.

Andre: _What are you implying?!_

Firmin: CARLOTTA! YOU'VE RETURNED!

Carlotta: And not without purpose. Vicomte, you pathetic fop, I demand an explanation for this letter!

Raoul: *reads* "Die, bitch. Christine's worth fifty times more than you on any given day."

Carlotta: *RAGEFACE*

Andre: Let's take a leaf from the Phantom and lock Carlotta up in her room so we won't lose her again!

Carlotta: Do whatever you want, señores. As long as me poodle comes along.

Madame Giry: HOLD UP! A note for yahs!

Meg: And I'll sing my last featured line in the whole movie!

Firmin: I'll let the Phantom read this one.

Erik: I love my Instant Beheadable Dolls. Nice, aren't they? Patent pending, you know. To business. Put Christine in the lead. If you do, you and that gaudy chandelier you're so fond of will survive the night.

Andre: Oh, God! Save the chandelier!

Firmin: Was that a death threat?!

Erik: Yeah, basically. *laughs evilly and leaves to shave his chin with his sword. Encrusted with the blood of his enemies.*

Carlotta: I've had enough of you guys! I am LEAVING! ….again.

Balcony Guy: *MOOOOOOON*

Balcony Women: RAHH!

Joyful crowd outside: ALL HAIL MISS DAAÉ!

Carlotta: Oh, fuck. Even the world outside hates me.

Joyful crowd outside: NO WE DON'T! SING PRIMA DONNA, SINGGGGGGGGGG!

Carlotta: No.

Andre/Firmin: Come inside, we have lots of nice bribes for you.

* * *

[Inside]

Andre: How about chocolates?

Carlotta: Hell no. I only take Godiva.

Firmin: What about a superexpensive fur muff?

Andre: And a diamond jewelry set?

Firmin: And another poodle?

Carlotta: …..only if someone pins this stupid 3-ft tall wig to my head properly.


	5. FYI: Brownies Never Appease the Phantom

Chapter 5: FYI: Brownies Never Appease the Phantom

[Il Muto]

Purple lady: Someone's unfaithfulllllllllll…

Fops: Oh yes, very unfaithfullllllll…..

Meg: And a lesbian….

*ladies in audience faint in shock as the bedchamber curtain opens*

Christine: POOP! I'VE BEEN CAUGHT REDHANDED!

Carlotta: Tee hee.

Conspiring Phans: I always knew Christine was bisexual.

Piangi: Ah, sweet love. I depart to England. Don't play with the maid.

Carlotta: *undertone* Too late for that…

Erik: SPAZZ **BOX FIVE** SPAZZ SPAZZ SPAZZ **RAOUL** SPAZZ SPAZZ

Audience: LE GASP!

Erik: Andre and Firmin, you are my newest additions to my BLACKLIST OF GORY DEATH for defying my instructions!

Andre: *thinks fast* Err, would some brownies help, maybe?

Erik: NO. I HATE those things! They look an awful lot like processed feces.

Firmin: Oh. Well, yes. Yes, they do look like those on occasion.

Erik: The Curse of the Vocal Nodules upon _you_, my dear Carlotta!

Carlotta: What did you say?

Erik: *cough* Nothing, nothing at all. *cough* Carry on. Please.

Carlotta: *sings*  
_I'm now a frog,  
But kiss me on my __**HAUUUGHTOIUPTWQAMNCZXXSDEKPT PTPTTTT!**_

Audience: It's the Second Coming if La Carlotta can't sing. Oh dear.

Andre/Firmin: Not to worry, guys. This is her normal speaking voice, poor thing has lost her singing one. Hahahahaha, hahahahahahahaaaa! Umm, put on the Act Three ballet, won't you?

Ballet girls: WHAT? We can't change costumes that fast…

Firmin: Yes, you bloody can. Go.

Ballet girls: *twirl*

Girl #1: Get up, you stupid sheep…

Buquet: I shall hunt down the Opera Ghost at last and terrify my girls with him!

Erik: 'Ello, Sir.

Buquet: ARGHHHH EVEN SCARIER FACE TO FACE! *sprints away over rafters*

Watch me play monkey bars with the ropes!

Erik: Watch me play monkey bars in DRESS SHOES! OHO! YOU'VE JUST BEEN UPSTAGED BY THE PHANTOM!

Buquet: Oh, great. I give up. So are you going to kill me or what?

Erik: Well, why not? I still have to fulfill my Kill Quota for the week and I need more blood for my sword. *strangles him*

Buquet: *GAG* Wait! I changed my minddddd!

Erik: Sorry, friend. Too late. *pushes Buquet's body over the rafters* IT'S SHOW AND TELL TIME!

Audience: ARGGGHHHHHHHH OMG! *all hell breaks loose*

Purple lady/Fops: Ooh, look, a dead guy.

Erik: The perfect moment for a dramatic cape whirl and disappearance combo! Bwahaha! *swish*

* * *

[Backstage]

Raoul: Christine! You look ravishing in that scarlet cape.

Christine: Yeah, it's a far cry from Carlotta's Countess costume, but whatever. Let's get farrrrr away from here! Oh, hey, I know! To the roof, where sound carries very easily over Paris and there are plenty of hiding places where one can eavesdrop on us!

Raoul: Ooh, fun! Are we playing hide and seek?

Christine: No. We—

Raoul: Or maybe Marco Polo?

Christine: Shut up. I don't even know why I'm about to profess my love to you. *mumbles to herself* Maybe I can make him fall off the roof…

* * *

[A little later]

Raoul: So. You saw him, eh?

Christine: Yeah! And OMG, it was horrible! My life span decreased about fifteen years when I saw that face!

Raoul: Well, gaze upon MY face, deary. I'm so much more handsome, right?

Christine: Well, you don't have those amazing emerald eyes that he does, but—

Erik: [crouching behind horse statue] *mumbles* Cross-dressing, long-haired freak of nature…..

Christine: Who's there?

Raoul: Nobody. *sings*  
_Say you'll love only my face, my fop hair  
Don't you say he's hotter than I am…  
He's a moron fit for worms and nightmares…_

Both: *singing* _WE BOTH KNOW THAT I'M/YOU'RE THE ONE, IT'S CLEAR…_

Raoul: *sings* _CHRISTINE, KISS ME—_

Christine: *sings* _GLADLY, DEAR!_

[SMOOCHIES]

Erik: What the heck's wrong with you, Christine? Whyyyyyyy?...Wait, I'd better not cry too much, or my mask will fall off. And THAT will be a horror. Plus, it's not the right Act.

[Raoul spins Christine around]

Christine: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[They exit in euphoria]

Erik: *sniffs loudly* Angst! Betrayal! Deceit! Despair!  
Condemnation! Frustration! Salvation! Lactation!  
Vibration! Crustacean! Gyration! Space stations! FUCKING SPACE STATIONS!

RAHHHHHHHHHHH! *clambers up on winged statue and gives Tarzan war-cry*

[Recording musicians have a blast performing the downwards glissando as the camera drops down into nothingness. BLACKOUT.]


	6. Mask Fights, Facebook, and More, Oh, My!

**Author's blurb: Apparently, the Swarovsky shop in the movie DOES have the wrong logo; back then it was of a lily or something similar.**

Chapter Six: Mask Fights, Facebook and More, Oh My!

Old Raoul: Umm, this Swarovsky shop totally has the wrong logo.

Monkey: Dude. Old guy. Get me out of this chest I'm buried in. I can't breathe.

Old Raoul: No. Be quiet.

* * *

[Back to 1870, several weeks later. A crowd gathers around the Opera Populaire. They're attending the New Year's masquerade ball.]

Firmin: Yo, Andre! What up, man? Got me a cute girl who's like thirty years younger than me. Whaddya think?

Andre: [looks over Firmin's girl] Hmm, acceptable. Mine, however, is so much hotter.

Firmin: WHAT? No, she's not!

[Andre and Firmin start whacking each other with their masks.]

Everyone in the vicinity: YAY, MASK FIGHT! *crowds around to watch*

* * *

[Inside]

Extra #1: I'm lovin' my awesome golden peacocky headdress.

Extra #2: I am NEVER putting on this stupid cow costume again if I can help it.

Piangi: Carlotta, my dear, your boobs are falling out of your dress.

Carlotta: You ain't seen nothin' yet. Look at the daughter of the ballet mistress.

Piangi: *glances over at Meg* Ah. I see.

* * *

Raoul: Are you sure about this dress, hon?

Christine: Psh. Of course! _**I**_ like it! Why shouldn't anybody else?

Raoul: Maybe because they're too busy staring at your boobs….

Christine: Raoul, are all men as sick-minded as you? It's not like anyone would molest me or anything. It's a BALL, a highly civilized party that'll nevertheless be overflowing with frightening amounts of alcohol! Hey, do you think people will notice the ring from our *secret* engagement if I wear it on a chain in plain sight?

Raoul: Oh, shut up and dance with me.

[Servants and lower-class performers have a grand old drunken time downstairs with said frightening amounts of alcohol]

[Cow guy prances down the stairway with partner]

[Dancers grab extra fans and arrange themselves on the Grand Stairway]

Christine: Screw the _secret_ engagement. Kiss me, Raoul!

Erik: *spying on them* Christine, I get the point. Pray stop rubbing it in.

Ensemble: CUE THE FALLING CONFETTI! MARVEL AT OUR EXCELLENT CHOREOGRAPHY!

Choreographer: Oh, bravo, everyone!

The Organist (who's getting _very_ well paid for this):

**DUUUNNNNNNNN! DUNDUNDUNDUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!**

[Erik flicks off lights and quickly Punjabs the confetti-throwers.]

Erik: I VISIT AGAIN!

Ball guests: WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?!

Meg: [calls out] Way to be a party crasher! I do dig the sexy eyeliner though!

Erik: Thanks! *looks around* Hey, wait. Darn it! I'm not wearing the right clothes….But look at my sword! It's silver, it kinda works, right?

Christine: Haha. Join the club, Angel. I forgot they decided on a color scheme through Facebook. [To Raoul] My love, where are you going?!

Raoul: To find me a sword. I ain't gonna be upstaged by my fiance's masked soulmate.

Erik: *gives cue to timpani player* Here is a dissonant and very debauched opera written by Yours Truly for the love of my life. Now, a few things…Carlotta, please learn acting, because you're an embarrassment to all of humanity. Piangi, do us all a favor and join Weight Watchers, it would not do for Don Juan to have a heart attack onstage. Firmin and Andre, you two are such losers I'm not even going to bother telling you what I should. And my dear Christine….

Christine: Um, don't kill me. I only kissed him, like, twice.

Erik: Until I change my mind, my dear, you SUCK! Now gimme this ring, otherwise I'll forget and it'll be another addition to the blooper reel that never existed in the DVD.

[Erik grabs at her boobs and disappears in a crazy trapdoor that belches scarlet fire. Everyone freaks.]

Christine: Oh my! I was just molested, right? Sorta. Make that trapdoor thing another ten years off my lifespan. I'm gonna die before I turn 50, I just know it…

Raoul: Time to play the dashing hero! YAHHHHHHHHHHH! [hops into trapdoor]

[Raoul swings and misses]

Erik: Bwahaha!

[Raoul swings and misses again.]

Erik: Bwahaha!

[Raoul swings. And misses. **Again**.]

Erik: Wow, monsieur, your swordsmanship is just bloody awful. I'll just let Madame Giry in to rescue you right now.

Raoul: *shakes hair out of face* Eh?

Madame Giry: Bonjour, monsieur. Come.

* * *

Raoul: Madame Giry, what the hell was that? Why is he like that? Will my Christine get her ring back? I paid a fortune for it…Does he enjoy striking terror into the hearts of everyone? Well, except me, of course. _I'm_ not frightened of _anything_. And breaking dress codes on top of that….

Madame Giry: You should talk. Your little Christine was breaking the dress code, was she not? She was wearing pink when everyone else was wearing gold, black and silver.

A daddy long-legs: Good evening, Vicomte.

Raoul: AUGHHHHH!

Madame Giry: *smirk* Not frightened of anything, indeed…

[The two enter her room]

Madame Giry: So, to business. What do you want to know?

Raoul: Everything.

Madame Giry: A long time ago, he was a circus freak. I rescued him and I've held him prisoner in the Opera Populaire ever since.

Raoul: *dot. dot. dot.* ….That's all?

Madame Giry: Well, I don't see the point of wasting an additional four minutes of film to go into detail.


	7. The Singing Lady Swordfight

Chapter 7: The Singing-Lady Swordfight

Old Raoul: Look! A stag!

Monkey: Who CARES?

Phan #2 (the Ugly Duckling English major): It symbolizes freedom, power and masculinity.

Monkey: Yeah, whatever.

* * *

Peg-legged guy: What's up, camera crew?

Madame Giry: Oh, yes, this is my hair. I pile it on top of my head and preen myself. Ain't I gorgeous? *giggles*

Christine: It's that day again… [Opens door] Raoul, what are you doing outside my bedroom? Overprotective fiancée…well, he can't stop me when he's sleeping…

[Christine chucks money bag to carriage driver and changes into a black dress that just happens to be there and just _happens_ to fit her. A little lacking in boob protection, though.]

Erik: Now as a continuation of my obsession with Christine, I'll take the carriage driver's place. Even though she won't know it's me. That totally makes sense. Yeah.

Christine: *climbs aboard* To my father's grave, please.

Erik: *all suave* Whatever you say, miss. By the way, I love looking at your cleavage.

Christine: Pardon me?

Erik: I didn't say nothin'. Off we go.

[Raoul wakes up with a snort and runs into Christine's room]

Raoul: OMFG WHY IS SHE ALWAYS RUNNING AWAY? [flies down stairs and looks out window]

Christine: *sings* We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz….

Raoul: Oh my God, why does she always do this…*runs to the stables*

Carriage Driver: *rubs head* Ow.

Raoul: Sorry, man. I could get you ice or something, but I have to play the hero and chase down my dumbass fiancée.

Carriage Driver: Mff. Whatever. Have a horse.

Raoul: Thanks, dude. Giddyup, little horsie!

Horse: *bucks Raoul off* Call me a horsie one more time and you are DEAD.

Raoul: [lying on the ground] Sorry. Can we just go to the cemetery so I can yell at my fiancée?

Horse: As soon as you get a decent haircut, sure.

* * *

Joel Schumacher: CUE THE BEAUTIFUL AND SCARY DRAMATIC MUSIC!

Christine: *sings*  
_I was once real close to you, Dad  
Then you went and left me  
You were mean in dying so young,  
And I'm STILL depressed…._

_Wishing you were somehow here again  
_'_Cause I'm just so selfish like that…_

Erik: *slithers along rooftop of mausoleum* I swear Christine sings better when wearing dresses that show off her chesties.

Christine: Dad?

Erik: Psh. Of course not. Your daddy was a genius at the violin, but he couldn't sing a note.

Christine: MY ANGEL! I TOTALLY DON'T CARE THAT YOU FOLLOWED ME HERE LIKE A CREEPER! I LOVE YOU!

Erik: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! WHY DID YOU DO THIS? COME BACK TO MEEE!

Raoul: *foolishly intrudes upon this heartfelt conversation in capital letters* From now on, Christine, I'm going to glue you to myself so you won't keep running off with strange men.

Christine: AWW, DARN!

Erik: *trips over rooftop ledge and falls on ground. Straightens up* I'M IN A BLOODTHIRSTY MOOD! EN GUARDE!

Raoul: Oh, shit. I left my sword on the chair outside Christine's room. *grabs one from nearby statue*

Erik: RAHH!

*slash*  
*stab*  
*clang*

Christine: Who do I cheer for? Phangirls, help me out!

Phangirls: GO, ERIK!

Raoul: GO, ME!

Phangirls: Please, Raoul. No. Just…no!

Raoul: [to Erik] YOU WILL NOT TOUCH HER AGAIN!

Christine: This is so much better than watching those glowsticks they wave around in Star Wars.

Star Wars Fans: _Excuse me? GLOWSTICKS?! Those are—_

The Phans: Go away. You're not even in the right fandom.

Erik: I enjoy trying to cut down trees!

Raoul: *Twirl*

Erik: Dude. Your hair is a bush of brunette frizziness.

Christine: *insulted* **HEY!**

Erik: Christine, that's what scrunching hair gel is for. And you use it to great effect. Raoul with ringlets would be a walking human poodle of epic failure.

Christine: [giggles] I actually have to agree with you on that.

Phangirls: OMG, us too. Thank GOD someone else understands how much of a fail Raoul's hair is.

Erik: [casually slashes Raoul's arm open]

RAOUL: OMFG THAT WAS ONE OF MY MAJOR ARTERIES! NOW YOU WILL DIEEEEEEEEEE!

Erik: *Twirls cape around*

RAOUL: DIE NOWWWW!

Erik: This back pose is for the Phangirls! Sexy breathing included.

Phangirls: *SWOON*

Christine: NOOOOOOOOOOO! Don't kill my stalking-perverted-obsessed-so-evil-it's-sexy Angel of Music!

Raoul: FINE! But we're leaving now. *catches Christine's arm* And YOU are sentenced to a timeout!

Christine: *GRUMBLE*

[Raoul and Christine leave]

Erik: I take a bath in my angst.

Phangirls: And we think your angst is really hot. May we join you in your bath?

* * *

Raoul: I got an idea! Let's finish the Opera Ghost once and for all!

Andre: Well, duh. That's what we've been trying to do for the first one and a half acts. What's your plan?

Raoul: We'll wait until _Don Juan Triumphant _tonight. The whole Parisian army will be here. Then at the right moment, we shoot him up and load him with lead balls. Whaddya say?

Andre: *V.V* How very original!

Firmin: *turns very deliberately towards camera* Anybody got any other ideas?


	8. Artistic Deception

Chapter Eight: Artistic Deception

Christine: I'm sooooooo scared.

Raoul: Hi, deary.

Christine: Raoul! How can you do this to my Angel? *punches Raoul in the gut*

Raoul: *rubs gingerly at stomach* Angel no more. He's an obsessed, perverted idiot.

Christine: Well, so are you. I mean, you did accidentally-on-purpose feel me up a little when we were younger…

Raoul: I NEVER DID THAT! Anyway, do the _Don Juan_ thing for your own sake.

Christine: Noooo. I mean, I want to, but I also don't want to. How can I?

Raoul: Doesn't matter anymore. Now shut up and hug me, otherwise the orchestra playing the Prima Donna instrumental will miss their cue.

* * *

Erik: It will end TONIGHT.

Don Juan wax dolls: No, it won't…

Erik: Maybe not for me, but it will for you puny guys.  
*burns the miniature stage and gleefully watches the dolls melt*

* * *

M. Reyer: Ahem. START!

Chorus of Hell: *sings*  
_Here is our new opera,  
From the guy we call O.G.—  
He is quite insane with love,  
Mad with love for that Christine!_

Carlotta: *sings*

_You may be surprised  
That the Op'ra Ghost let me sing in this  
I will let you know right now  
I bribed him with lots of chocolaaaaate!_

Chorus of Hell: *sings*  
_We would give you your refund  
[Carlotta: give youuuu your refund!]  
But we want the O.G.'s head,  
Soldiers shoot all those who run:  
We're not leaving till he's deeeaaaaaaaaaaaadd!_

Audience member: This opera is severely messed up…

Her husband: YOU'RE severely messed up…

[wife whacks husband with opera glasses]

* * *

Piangi: Ah, Passarino! My mind is intoxicated from this wine. Tell me again…?

Passarino: You pretend to be me. I return home. You and Pretty Lady cavort in the bedsheets hoping I don't find you. VERY EASY!

Piangi: Okay, okay, don't get your Tighty-Whities in a bunch. I'm going now. [Turns around as curtain closes] GASP!

Erik: *FWOOSH!*

* * *

Christine: Ah, dear Passarino…I love him!

Phans: Yeah, that's great. Go on to the sexual-metaphor-ridden duet already.

Erik: [emerges] Heyyyy, baby. Did you miss me?

Christine: What the—?! You're not—

Erik: Shush! Let me finish. You're going to unmask me later; let me go through the libretto NOW!

Christine: *sighs* Fine. And by the way, if you're attempting to seduce me onstage, it's not working.

Erik: *swishes his cape around a few times before grabbing her throat* How's this?

Christine: Now it is.

Phans: THAT CAPE PORN. AND THIS SONG OH MY GAHHHH.

* * *

Erik: Christine, _Point of No Return_ has ended and I've gotta say, you have the most amazing neck…

Christine: Don't love it too much. You played Dracula four years ago, right? Don't make me stake you, or push you off a building with a noose around your neck, or whatever.

Erik: Shh. It's my turn to seduce again, softly this time:

*sings*  
_Say you'll dump that mess  
Called Raoul and love me-  
Lead me, save me from my emo-ness…_

Phans: Aww ;_;

Raoul: EWW! GET YOUR DIRTY HANDS OFF MY FIANCE!

Erik/Christine: *both look up at Raoul* Shut up, we're busy!

Erik: And that's my box you're stealing for the third time in a row, boy.

Christine: [turns around] Sorry, Erik, but I gotta see. Curious women are dangerous creatures…

*TOTAL chaos ensues as she rips off Erik's mask*

Erik: You suck.

Christine: Sorry.

Erik: Gotta kidnap you now for the second time. DIE, CHANDELIER, DIE! Psst—Monsieur Chandelier, try to smush the soldiers coming after us!

Chandelier: No problem, buddy.

Monsieur Reyer: Well, boys, it's been a blast performing with you. Now jump ship before Monsieur Chandelier crashes into the pit.

Carlotta: [Discovers Piangi's body] Noooo, mah luv! And we were just about to get married! Nooo…

Raoul: ME TARZAN!

Madame Giry: You idiot, Monsieur! Swinging around on ropes…Go find your girl already!

Raoul: Fine, fine. For the third time in this movie already. Where are they?

Madame Giry: Right over here, sir, down the spiral staircase where he rigged up a trapdoor for you to fall into…

Raoul: Pardon?

Madame Giry: *cough* Nothing, monsieur. Right this way.

Raoul: *SPLOOSH* WTF?

Erik and Madame Giry: Teehee!


	9. Christine's Unbeatable Bargain

**Author's blurb: If you've made it this far, you are TRULY AWESOME and I shall make you cookies someday :) Enjoy this final chapter!**

Chapter Nine: Christine's Unbeatable Bargain

Christine: Look, if you're going to, you know, take advantage of me or whatever, just do it now.

Erik: I'm a 40-year-old virgin. And here's your ring back.

Christine: Oh. Umm. Okay, then.

Erik: [spots Raoul splashing his way towards them] Oh, hey, the White Soggy Bunny has arrived!

Raoul: *tiredly* huh?

Christine: Oh, my dear Monsieur White Soggy Bunny!

Raoul: ?!

Erik: Welcome to my lair! I hope the candelabras are to your taste.

Raoul: Hello. My name is Raoul de Chagny. You tried to kill me in the cemetery. Prepare to die.

Erik: Oh, let's have a bromance. Come here—oh, wait, my arm's not long enough. Let me use some rope as an arm extension. [ties up Raoul in short order]

Conspiring Phans: OMG ALL THE GAY UNDERTONES!

Erik: Now, Christine, do you choose the grasshopper or the scorpion?

Christine: Huh?

Erik: That's what I ask you in the Leroux novel, but Schumacher took a nip to the bathroom and I won't be ordered around to stick to this abominable movie script. So I ask you, the grasshopper or the scorpion?

Christine: But…what?...I don't understand…

Erik: MAKE A CHOICE, WOMAN! I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY! *tugs on the rope*

Raoul: Hey, I thought we were done shooting the lasso commerci—*GUAWGHGHGHHHHHHHH*

Erik: Be quiet.

Raoul: Christine! Choose the scorpion!

Erik: Monsieur White Soggy Bunny, if that was an attempt to win phangirls over to your side, it didn't work. Because deep down, everybody loves me.

Raoul: *sobs* Well, just choose already. The rope hurts my wrists.

The Phangirls: Raoul, PLEASE don't cry like that. Crying when you're a twenty-something year old guy makes you look like a pathetic idiot.

Erik: Why, thank you, ladies, for expressing my thoughts perfectly.

The Phangirls: *collective swoon*

Erik: So, Christine, grasshopper or scorpion?

Christine: How about a BIIIIIG smooch instead? I have an ongoing "Buy one, get one free" deal!

Erik: Hmmugh?!

Christine: ANNNNND here's another one!

Phans: _OH MY GOD DYING SO HARD THIS IS BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT AND EMOTIONAL AND ALL THINGS EXQUISITELY AWESOME. **KEEP KISSING DAMMIT! KEEP KISSING!**_

Joel Schumacher: No.

[They draw apart]

Christine: *happiness and joy*

Erik: *depression* Worst kisser in my entire life.

Schumacher: You've never been kissed before, Erik. How would you know?

Gerard Butler: Well, compared to Dracula 2000...

Schumacher: Erik mode, Gerry. Now.

Gerard: *Grumble*

Erik: *cries, sniffles, sobs and makes a huge fuzzy deal*

Christine: Raoul, I've told you, you cry the wrong way. You havta cry like THAT! *points at Erik*

Raoul: ** #$%^&*&~`^%$!**

Le Angry Mob: RAHHHH WE WILL ROAST YOUR FLESH WITH OUR SCARY TORCHES AND BURN YOUR LAIR TO THE GROUND!

Erik: My lair's _under_ground, you dolts!

Le Angry Mob: ….you know what we meant!

Erik: Time for me to run away now. I can't take you guys—you deal with the mob, who will likely dine on the flesh of anyone they find here. Bye.

Christine: SHIIIIIIIIT. Time to flee! *She sloshes her merry way over to Raoul, who technically should have been dead by now*

Raoul: I'll do the Sexy Breath Thing. She won't be able to resist. *does Sexy Breath Thing as Christine unties lasso*

Christine: You are **MUCH **too loud when you breathe.

Raoul: _**?!**_

Erik: I shall flap my arms dramatically to make my point…throw in a couple of clichés too…ANGEL IN HELL!

Phangirls: *sob* ;_;

Erik: *Rawr* _Go now! Go screw yourselves, pleeeease_!

Christine: Did my Angel of Music's voice just CRACK?!

Erik: Oh, shut up…

(Le Angry Mob fights their way through water with fiery torches of doom and scary-looking muskets. Joel Schumacher unleashes the fireballs that never made it into the cemetery scene. Meanwhile…)

Erik: *sings*  
_Here I am…mourning everything I've lost…  
Singing songs…of my grief to a monkey toy with cymbals…_

Phans: *unashamed sobfest*

*camera crew finishes uberslow pan. Erik looks up*

Erik: Since when could you Apparate out of thin air?

Christine: ...

Erik: _Did you steal my __**patent **__for that?_

Christine: Noooooo...I didn't steal any patent. Raoul did.

Erik: *swears* I'll get him for this.

Joel Schumacher: Stick to the script, otherwise I'll hang you myself.

Erik: **FINE!**  
"Christine, I looove...*BREATHES* you..."

Christine: Sorry, Erik. Raoul has his kleptomaniac thing. Likes to steal stuff from people…including their true loves.

Erik: *tear*

Christine: Anyway, have this ring. Even though it came from your worst enemy.

Erik: ….….….I'll take what I can get. Thanks.

Christine: I'll be leaving now. Also, just an FYI, I took all the handkerchiefs you own so that your crying fit will be more dramatic in front of the camera.

Erik: Okay. Thank you. I think.

Phangirls: OMG LOOK AT HIM CRYING IT'S SO SAAAAAAAD!

Erik: I need a last look at the first and last soulmate I'll ever have. Excuse me while I torture myself even more by watching the one true love of my entire life sail away.

Phangirls: *completely hysterical with grief at this point*

Christine: *Cuddles Raoul*

Erik: Okay, Christine, really. You're already leaving me and now you're _hugging him in front of me_…rub it in a little, why don't you? *grabs a candleholder and heads for the mirrors*

*Smashity*  
*Crashity*

Fans: *SOBBITY*

Erik: I TURN **DISAPPEARITY!**

Le Angry Mob: *Sloshes into an empty lair* Oh, crap. Carlotta's not gonna be happy.

Meg: I'm masquerading as the Opera Ghost. You know, with big boobs. And long blonde hair. And ties on my shirt. Oh, look, a mask..._I wonder whose this is._ Oh well, I'll take it! Guys fawn over seeing only half of my face.

Conspiring phangirls: See? SEE?! I told you Erik and Meg had something going on there! They're dressed the same and everything!

Erik: You wish.

* * *

Old Raoul: Dude, guys, don't jostle the darn wheelchair so much. You make my head bobble. I might be old and decayed but I don't yet desire to look like a drooling idiot. Thanks.

Christine: I be dead at this point.

Old Raoul: Christine, my love, I have no idea why I'm giving THIS to you, it belonged to that deranged madman who tried to kill me decades ago, but you loved him one time (silly of you), and he would want you to have this...

*places the monkey on Christine's grave and sees rose with her ring on it*

Raoul: OMG WHAT THE... *heart attack*

Candle: *Poof*

**~THE END~**


End file.
